So You Intend to Buy a Bank

I came across a survey question recently that asked:

Which of the following companies do you intend to purchase in the next 7 days?1

The answer choices were banks.

I knew what they meant.

But that wasn't what they asked.

So, if I could buy a bank, what bank would I buy?

My first instinct was Citibank.

When I was a kid, my dad did all of his business banking at a Citibank branch in Airmont, New York. He was there every week, and all of the tellers knew him. My dad is a personable guy. He's also a big personality.

This will become relevant.

Back then, Citibank offered credit cards with your picture on them as a security feature. Participating branches could take it for you.

My dad knew this.

So OF COURSE one Halloween, he showed up at the bank in full Tina Turner drag and insisted they take his picture.

Obviously, that particular photo could not go on his credit card.

Instead, the tellers put it up in their area behind the counter. It stayed there for years. I don't remember how many. There's a part of me that likes to think it would still be there if the same tellers still worked there and Dad still banked there.

So Citibank has that going for it.

It also has Citi Field.

I've been a Mets fan my entire life. I generally hate when stadiums get corporate names, which is a complicated position for someone who works in sports sponsorship. And I still miss Shea Stadium. But for some reason, Citi Field doesn't bother me nearly as much.

That's another essay. We're trying to buy a bank.

Except now I have a problem.

Am I buying for financial gain or sentimental value?

Because if sentimental value counts, I also have to consider Wachovia.

Wachovia was a bank I had barely heard of until I moved to North Carolina for college. Once I got there, though, it was the bank. I opened my first checking account there. I learned how to use an ATM there. Their ATMs even let you choose what denominations you wanted when you withdrew cash.

I miss that.

More importantly, Wachovia had a building.

The Wachovia Building dominated the downtown Winston-Salem skyline I could see from campus. It isn't attached to one particular college memory. It was just there. When you were coming back to Winston-Salem and saw it up ahead, you knew you were almost there.

We had jokes about the architecture.

Anyway.

Wells Fargo bought Wachovia, the name eventually disappeared, and I was irrationally sad about it.

So can I buy Wachovia?

It doesn't exist anymore, which feels like a fairly substantial obstacle.

Could I buy Wells Fargo and get Wachovia that way?

Apparently not the part I really want. Wachovia had already sold the building years before Wells Fargo bought the bank.

So now I'm considering buying a bank I don't particularly want in order to acquire a bank that no longer exists, and I STILL DON'T GET THE BUILDING.

This deal is getting worse by the minute.

Although Wells Fargo itself raises an interesting question.

I wouldn't bank there. The scandals broke my trust in them.

Would I buy a bank I wouldn't bank with?

Well.

What do the financials look like?

Maybe I should stick with something I know.

Capital One was my first credit card. I opened it on January 18, 2002.

I know the exact date.

This sounds sentimental.

It isn't. It impacts my FICO score.

My relationship with Capital One as a bank technically started with ING Direct Orange Savings sometime after grad school. Their savings accounts paid considerably better interest than traditional banks at the time. ING Direct eventually became Capital One 360.

Somewhere along the way I added checking. Later, a joint account with my husband. And, depending on the point in my life, somewhere between eight and twenty-five separate purpose-specific savings accounts.

I like buckets.

I'm still there.

So maybe I should just buy Capital One.

But now I'm wondering why I'm limiting myself to banks I've personally used.

How many banks even are there out there?

Are international banks on the table?

What would a financial advisor suggest?

Is a credit union the move?

Wait. Can you even buy a credit union?

What if I just started my own bank instead of buying one?

And while we're asking questions: why is the bank for sale?

Is it even for sale?

Is this a hostile takeover?

And why is the timeline seven days?

As it turns out, I was right to ask. Acquiring control of an insured bank can require at least 60 days' advance notice to federal regulators.

The federal government also has concerns about this timeline.

At this point, I should probably acknowledge something.

I intend to buy none.

But that isn't the question I've been answering.

Because before I can tell you which bank I'd buy, I need to know why I'm buying a bank.

And nobody asked me that.